I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Randomize
