Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
