i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
