I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
