Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
