I swear she didn't look like that last week.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
