He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Drunk is a universal language darling
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
