just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
