the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
