are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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