you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he thought i was a dude.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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