she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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