You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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