awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
