I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
