They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize