I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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