Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
