Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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