I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
