He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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