I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
