Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
