mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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