Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Welp...herpes.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
