Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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