alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
