You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize