you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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