tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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