My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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