im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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