I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
