The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
