i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
