i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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