some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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