I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
