Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
