For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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