you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
