why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
