the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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