the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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