I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
