WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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