he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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