Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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