Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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