I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
