Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
