I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
