Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
