Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I FOUND THE LEGS
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
