How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
this beer tastes like vomit already
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
