There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize