Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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