Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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