how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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