i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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