Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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