i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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