I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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