im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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