Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
